summarizing my life (can't help anymore. I'm dizzy)

Hello blog, its me. Its been a year since the last time I posted something here. A lot of things has happenned but I've been a kinda busy so I couldn't share them here.

I'm back because I feel the urge to spill this thing outta my head. I don't know whoelse to tell.

Lotta things happenned this year. Mostly about my so called new job and marriage issue. I've taken some big leap in my life this year.

I started my first day on april 4th 11, and still working until today. I was in the officer development program which requires lots of concentration, physical endurance, patience, and steel heart (I don't know if that makes any sense,hehe). There were in class trainings, exams, motivational classes, and on the job trainings. And what kills me the most was the phase of on the job training.

There were 3 stages of ojt. The first one was in funding bussiness. I was placed in fatmawati branch for 1,5 months. I did it quiet good and passed the exams. The next was in consumer lending bussiness, specially in mortgage bussiness. I was placed in alam sutra branch for 3,5 months. That time, was fantastic! I had a great managers, great officers, great friends, great working environment, and very great working experience. I lost my words talking about team alam sutera. We have such beautiful relationship until now. Regards to you Pak Budi (aka Daddy) for such wonderful experience and knowledge you taught me! Leaving alam sutra was the hardest. Alam sutera stole my heart.

And the last period of my ojt was HELL. I was placed in cideng barat branch for goddamn 5 months and I did it sucks. My manager equals evil. He didn't give any damn about what's going on in my working life, my achievements, his coaching function towards me, and I'm fucked up. In funding bussiness, your life sucks if you got that kind of evil manager. So, I didn't give any damn about him either. And yeah, I didn't pass the exam.

About a month ago, we were called to do comprehensive exam. And actually I think I did it quiet good. In short, I've passed the whole exam! Yeah, I passed! So this ends my trainee-program. Oh it feels good to have my dignity again. Being trainee was really really sucks. I felt like a trash.

Soooooo last week we got placed in new branches as a permanent employee. At first I was placed in green garden branch but big people politics at the office then moved me to puri kencana. What the hell? I was so happy to be placed in green garden then you moved me out from the sanctuary I've been longing for months? Bitch.

This. This is why I felt the urge to write. I can't say anything about this thing to my co workers right? This is the only place I cud spill them all.

I kinda feel a very huge crush on my GG manager.

Yes, that's it.
I can't say its a crush like the one I had to my fiancee the first time we met. I was fascinated by his charisma since the first time I was introduced to him. In my mind: this man is great. And reliable. And what flatter me the most: how he treated me as his new team member.

Day one, after we were introduced to each other, he took me to GG office, with his own car. He drove and I sat next to him. Its a kinda weird. I've never been in my boss' car, I mean it was just the two of us. We had such looooooong awkward moments while heading towards GG. He asked me many questions about my previous experiences and I spill them all. That I've never had big fat costumers, I've never sold that high profit products, and I've never had any coaching from my previous managers. Yes. I'm that bad, mr. Manager.

Arrived at the office, he introduced me to the whole team. Next he allowed me to have my lunch first bcos he wanted to have more conversation with me afterwards. What kind of convo? A theoretical convo, people. Brainwash maybe? Yes he did it. He taught me lotsa things. Coaching and teaching for sure. Knowledge transfer. He taught me strategic working plan. Oh how much I adore him.

The next day, he arrived to the office with his smiley face. Ah charming. After checking lending team, he moved to my desk and asked me, 'start learning?' My pleaaaaasureeee. Then he taught me again.

And that was the time, he knew that I'd be hijacked.

He kept asking me how cud it be? He thought that I was going to be in his team but then puri took me away from him. I can imagine how it feels like. My heart melt when I saw his shocked face and how he tried to keep me there. He lost his words for a couple of moments. He just looked into me without saying anything. Finally he told me, 'ok u can stop thinkin about this thing, better start doing summary, ill take care of this.' And that's when I walked out of the door feeling like crying. I don't want to be moved. I just want to stay.

Moments later, he walked out of his room, looked anxious, asking for cars, and decided to go out with his own car when he found out that there's no idle car. He went out. I suspected him heading to puri kencana. To fight for me.

I felt like my world has fallen apart. I just started to enjoy my new life. My new office, new desk, new chair, new environment, and my new boss. But they're going to take them away from me. I lost my sanity.

Then I spent my remaining time in GG writing memos, and waiting for him. In short, when he finally back to the office, I cud see his bitter face mimic, and my world fell real hard when he told me the bad news.

With his cold mimic he told me that he cudn make me stay. The head office insisted to take me. My god. And his arguments were not enough bcos its the head office. And mostly bcos I didn't spend my ojt period at GG. Holy shit. And he kept saying that I'm a good candidate so that I have the priority to stay at the head office, not at the branch. He said that he had tried his best to make me stay, but he failed. I was stunned. I can't say anything. Half begging, I told him I don't wanna stay at puri, its just too complicated for me. Not to mention puri is crowded enough. They don't have spaces left for me. And then he convinced me to complaint straight to plotting department. He told me in silence 'complaint, complaint, complaint!'

My heart melt.

This is the first time for me. Somebody fights for me.... Somebody wants me to stay. Somebody is pissed when I'm hijacked.

I saw his face..full of dissapointment. Its hard for me.
And when its time to go home, I can't resist myself. After saying goodbye and thankyou for these great 2 days, I felt like crying. He looked at me and said, 'maybe its not our time yet. But don't worry, we'll meet again. I'll see you, still. Maybe next time our time will come. Don't worry.' Then he smiled at me. He shaked my hands. 'Good luck. You can do it at puri.'

I walked out of the door.

And cried hard.

I hate this.

Until today, Its still hurt when I remember about it. The first time I felt like I have found my place, I cud only have them for 2 days before they took it from me. I was longing for a great leader, to guide me, support me, and coach me..but they took him away too. I don't know what's going on... But maybe its something I have to face before my glory.

Now I see him as my role model and my motivation at work. I want to perform really good...so that he cud see me as a champion and won't regret his decision to fight for me. I want to perform better, so that I cud get what I want. Based on what I've seen in the field, champions got what they want. I want them to move me back to GG (as long as daddy haven't got any replacement for me). If not, I want them to move my grade. Okay I'll stay at puri, but I want to be in higher position. And I want daddy to see me. He gave his knowledge, we have same visions and missions. And his knowledge is very useful...I owe him much.

This. I got a crush on him. How he treated me, what he had shared to me, how he motivated me... He's strict but still friendly. He's smart but his words are easy to understand.

I don't know what happenned to me..but honestly, I'm doing this passionately because of him.

Although we're not together this time, but I'm grateful for ever met him and being his sub-worker. Thankyou lord.. I hope our time will come soon. We'll be together as a team....